TV Junkie

I am a TV Junkie. I am not ashamed. I wouldnt call myself an addict per se'. I mean if I dont get to watch TV, like say while on vacation I dont become a raving lunatic. But nowadays we have DVR's to help with that. I know people that are ashamed to admit they watch TV. Whatever, they're missing out. I dont give a rats ass what people think in that regard.
As far back as I can remember, the one thing that brought my dysfunctional family together was the TV. We'd gather and watch, something we could all do and agree on as a family. Bad parenting you say? Maybe, but I choose a positive spin on it.

Why do I love TV so much? Because in this day and age where it seems to be the meaning of life is to just combat boredom before we die, TV makes me feel. Period. Maybe I am more sensitive than most. I admit I do get choked up at certain Hallmark commercials. Call me a sap or just being a female. Tv dramas can be so gritty they make me question my own morals and shake me to the core when based on real life "truth is stranger than fiction" stories. Some shows, comedy and reality shows can have me belly laughing. I can sit in the comfort of my own home in my underwear if I want and be entertained for next to nothing. God bless America.

I could go on and on with my favorite shows and why. Why a detective show like Homicide: Life on the street was the best detective show ever. Why Lost is currently the best show on TV, and possibly ever. How it leaves you with more questions than answers and wraps riddles and mysteries upon enigmas.

And it's reality TV too. One of my internet Heroes Heather Armstrong once said "If you dont think reality TV is scripted, your missing the point" or something to that effect. I know this in my rational brain and yet still I enjoy yelling at the TV, crying when good people face defeat from a contest and seriously disturbed people get ahead. I marvel at the basic human condition of watching ordinary folks like myself go through surreal experiences like Survivor or Big Brother. It's the possiblity that it could be us there and how would we react?

I enjoy the trashy good fun of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. I become engrossed with the stories and people on American Idol or So you Think You Can Dance. Regular people like you or me getting the ultimate break in life and going through the complete emotional experience, and more stress than we have ever known on national TV, in front of millions for us to criticize or applaud. How would you handle that? Seeing David Cook win American Idol was so emotional and pure in that moment, despite it being a glitzy competion with big money sponsors. My entertainment background draws me to those shows in particular. Especially my dance background and musical past life. I also grew up very competive and into sports.

I love sports. For a girl I watch way too much Sportcenter. I am mostly into pro sports but I am a huge sports junkie as much as a TV junkie. Some purists can argue that Pro sports have sucked the innocence out of us. I still beg to differ. I still watch sports for the backstories as much as the actual event or game, match, race. Its the build up to it..what drives these people and it always comes back to the love of the game. The absolute purity of competition. Overcoming adversity, health problems, crack addicted parents , whatever..and pushing your body to do things never humanly thought possible. To quote the Legend Jim McKay who passed away today "Its the thrill of Victory & the agony of defeat." It's those absolute fleeting moments that make us proud to be a member of the human race. Proud to be alive. Like watching Michael Jordan, with the flu, have his best lights-out game of his career. It was watching Kellen Winslow with the Chargers against the Miami Dolphins push himself to the brink for his team and have to be carried off the field, exhausted, and completely unable to stand on his own. There is nothing more inspiring.

Today as I watch the Belmont Stakes, I root for Big Brown. I root for Big Brown to make history and allow me to witness it. Something that only comes along every so often. Its been 30 years. Its the most exciting few minutes of sports you can watch..these triple crown races. And its an animal who doesnt have higher reasoning running on instincts and training and birthright to bring America together in one thunderous cheer. The Preakness was so exciting. I got a tear in my eye watching Big Brown win. Cheesy? Maybe but it was a thing of beauty. Its that the trainer Rick Dutrow overcame drugs, hardship and the murder of his own daughter's mother to make a name for himself in the sport. Second chances, my friends. And isnt that what we all want from life? Not fame or fortune, well some of us want that; but a second chance at greatness. Immortality. Making a mark on this vast Universe. Just a few seconds of this possibility is worth it all.

So today at 3pm pacific time I will be parked in front of my huge HD TV with a light beer in hand, cheering, chanting Big Browns name repeatedly until he pulls across the finish line a winner. I feel it in my bones that he will win. The Triple Crown is due and I have never seen a horse look so dominating in my entire life of watching these races. History will be made one way or another. Yes, life will go on afterwards but you know what?

If he doesnt win, thats ok too because it will shock and surprise me, and folks my TV will have been the conduit that once again makes me feel.......alive.

Existential Angst

I wonder if this is what they call a Mid Life Crisis? I officially have 6 months until I turn 40 years old. Despite feeling like a 20 something, doesn’t 40 sound SO damn old? I have been thinking more and more lately about what I have done with my life up until this point. I feel regret is pointless, yet I find myself coming to terms with some of it. I regret many things.

I regret not taking more pictures in my life. I regret sweating the small stuff. I regret smoking so much pot in my 20’s that my memory is a jarbled mess from that time period. And many, many more things just like that.

I mean growing up, I never cared about getting ahead or getting rich or even having a retirement plan. Now I look back and say “Why didn’t I start saving when I was 18?” “Why did I pay for an expensive college and I am not working in my field?” “Why do I still not have a retirement plan?”

What happened to that Novel & screenplay I was going to write? Basically in short, how the hell did I get here? So now at this age, it’s so hard to watch your looks fade. The questions “What do I want, and where am I going” ring in my head daily.

I have some life issues to sort out. Mainly figuring out what I want to do and focus on for the future. To try and find what my true life purpose is will be the hardest. Secondly, finding a balance in my marriage when each of us strongly disagree on one major theme: religion. Currently its so opposites that we just agree to disagree. Integrating that with our lifestyle & circle of friends has been the most challenging thing in my life for the past 3 years. That will continue to be a challenge.

In any event, I have decided to start blogging here, as an outlet and as a way to work out my thoughts and problems; both privately and publicly. Why do it publicly? I hope to use this as a diary of some sorts. How much I reveal will be evolving. But maybe by reaching out this way I’ll find others in similar situations. I might get advice. Or maybe just the blogging itself will be therapeutic. And in case others do find me and read this I do plan to little by little explain who I am, and have been up until this point and what makes me tick, all the while discovering it for myself in the process. In a nutshell, no matter how cliché this is my quest for finding myself. I welcome your comments of any kind, and look forward to this journey